


Where Do We Go from Here

by buckscasey



Series: Sevasey One Shots [5]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Break Up, Inspired by A Christmas Carol, Introspection, M/M, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28124457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckscasey/pseuds/buckscasey
Summary: Kelly Severide hadn't expected to spend Christmas Eve on his own but here he was, drunk and alone. He reflects on what went wrong.
Relationships: Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Series: Sevasey One Shots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544605
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	Where Do We Go from Here

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic while listening to River (Ben Platt's version) hence the angst.

Even if he had never been the biggest Christmas enthusiast, Severide had always enjoyed the holidays. Seeing the whole city flashing with bright lights, the reindeer decorations and the Millennium's Park tree really filled him with the Christmas spirit. Even more, after he and Matt started dating, Christmas was the blond’s favorite holiday and he would always turn their apartment into a mini village with plenty of decorations, and also cooked delicious dishes for the Christmas dinner.

Casey always said that he didn’t want any presents but Kelly didn’t listen to that, he would buy his boy something special for the occasion and despite the blond’s ‘You didn’t have to get me anything’ or ‘You shouldn’t have bothered’ his face would light up when he unwrapped whatever Kelly had gotten him and Severide loved seeing his boyfriend happy. 

Everything was different this year though, no amount of decorations or songs of joy and peace could make him feel better. Until 2 months ago, he really believed that this would be the happiest Christmas Day of his life because as cliche as it was, he decided that there wasn’t an occasion as perfect as Christmas to ask Matt to marry him. 

He had planned a little Christmas Treasure Hunt with the help of Shay and Andy for Matt to find the ring, their plan was to leave small clues in some special spots across the city, the ones that meant a lot for the blond, ending the adventure at the 360 Chicago where Kelly would be waiting for him. They had had their first date in there and it was a relatively private space which Casey would probably appreciate a lot, he wasn’t a fan of public proposals. 51 had once answered a call where unsurprisingly, a proposal in a hot air balloon had gone terribly wrong and on top of that, the couple had to deal with the prying eyes of the public. Casey had then half-joked that he hoped his proposal was nothing like that, Kelly had of course taken note from the commentary. Severide had bought a simple yet elegant silver wedding band with a small diamond encrusted in the middle and he couldn’t wait to watch his boyfriend’s face when he proposed. 

But that day never arrived because Andy had died and his life went downhill. To be honest, he only had himself to blame, despite the grief they both had been feeling after losing their best friend, Matt had tried really hard to help and be there for him. But Severide had been blind with his own sorrow and sadness and pushed his baby away.

His worst self - defense mechanism had activated and he projected his own guilt into the blond in an attempt to ease his mind, it didn’t work but that didn’t stop him from pushing even further. Matt knew that this attitude was just Kelly trying to protect himself, he knew the other man all too well but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt him, nevertheless, he was willing to stand by his boyfriend’s side and support him. They would get through it together.

Two weeks later Severide's attitude hadn't gotten any better and it was starting to interfere in their works so Casey knew that he had to put an end to it. After a complicated call, they got into a heated argument and the Squad Lieutenant lost his temper and said: ‘I wish it had been you.’ 

He saw the pain in Casey's eyes and knew that those six words had been the last straw. He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth but he didn't apologize, instead, he walked away to avoid looking at the silent tears that were streaming down the blond's cheeks. He couldn’t stand to watch his baby cry, even less knowing that it was his fault. 

After that, Matt had moved out of their apartment, taking all of his stuff with him. The only thing he left behind was a note, a sort of goodbye letter, it wasn’t written in Matt’s usual neat handwritten that he always used for his reports, this one was messy like he had been in a rush or unsure to even write it but Kelly had read the note a million times in the last month and the words were burned in his mind.

_'You were right, it should've been me and not Andy. After all, he had everyone and I have no one.  
But don't worry, I'm transferring from 51, you'll never have to see me again since that apparently hurts you so much. Now I’ll be dead to you.' _

Kelly crumpled the tiny piece of paper and threw it away as he took another sip from the whisky bottle. The tiny turquoise box that contained the ring was there on the coffee table, he felt like it was laughing at him, a reminder of what he had lost. 

He'd been extremely selfish and ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him, he’d made his baby say goodbye. Could he ever get him back? 

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself to stop writing these shitty fics that no one likes but this idea wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it so there it is.   
> Let me know what you think I guess.


End file.
